gift exchange

With Christmas about a week away I'm already imagining my conversation with the sales clerks as I try to return presents this year.

Me: "Hello, I'd like to return this" hands them crappy gift

Sales clerk: "Okay we will need to do an exchange is thei..."

Me: "Great! I would like to exchange it for money"

Envy

I was watching this squirrel climb a tree at the park this weekend. It's a really tall tree and the squirrel climbed all the way to the top and then turned around and climbed back down like it was nothing.

I envied the little bastard.

He was able to do that no problem. I started thinking some more. This is when I saw a squirrel crossing the street.

This is when I decided that squirrels probably envy me.

It's not too often that I decide to run across the street, stop in the middle, run back and then try to run across again.

Friday nights being the exception.

Nature

This guy started complaining about the weather and the sudden changes. how he was not happy with the snow one day then the sun and warm weather the next.

He then started talking about "How it's human nature to never be happy."

Me: "I think that it's human nature to eat, drink, shit, piss and fuck. complaining that it's either too hot or too cold is just the nature of a whiny asshole."

I don't think I will have to worry about talking with him anymore.

Snow

As the snow was covering my front yard with well snow. I thought you know if I don't shovel snow this year off the driveway it will turn to ice. I can tell people "I'm going for the glacier look." Which would be nice in the occasion a polar bear wanders the neighborhood.

Dear crack fiend,

I really do appreciate you coming up to me and informing me of the countries current economic crisis. Your wisdom is beyond your appearance, for that I apologize, you know, for passing judgement on you. I have not heard anything of this crisis until you so eloquently as only you could explain it to me. cause you see I have not seen a TV in months, and have no access to Internet, newspaper, or news radio either. Trust me when I go to vote I will have your best interest in mind.

The thing is, and I don't mean to be rude, but if I were to be seeking financial advice. Like you gave me. I would like it to come from someone who has a tad bit more to lose than a shopping cart full of aluminum cans.

thank you


*note: I know not all aluminum cans get pushed around by crack fiends in their shopping carts but these ones were guilty by association*

Conversations

I would like to have a conversation with a box of Oreo's. They have to have interesting things to say about race relations, and possibly have a few interesting things to say about Oprah Winfrey. Actually I think a box of Oreo's should be a guest on Oprah's show. But she would need to wear one of those Hanibal Lecter masks cause i'm sure she would eat them.

If I had a red swingline this would not happen

This was a conversation that occured about an hour after I had a history lesson from and african american.

Me: "Stupid ass stapler" slamming it down trying to get it to staple

African American: "uhuh! It don't work because it's a white stapler"

Me: "then can you go find me a black stapler"

Where do you work?

Blonde: So um... what do you do for a living?

Me: Oh me, I'm the price checker for the dollar store.

Blonde: No way. Do you get a discount on stuff?

Booster?

I was getting a fruit smootie, those things are good I tell you what.

Order Girl: "Do you want a free booster?"

Me: "Yep."

Order girl: "Which one, we have prot..."

Me: "Vodka!"

Order girl: "We don't have that."

Me: "Don't worry I brought my own, can you put it in before you mix it up? I hate it when the booze is just sitting all on the top, and i'm lazy and don't want to stir it up."

Order girl: with a look of confusion, "I dont think I can do that"

Me: "Oh! then I'll be fine without, but do you have a complaint card so I can request decent boosters?"

Typical weekend

I enjoy just going to bars and watching guys hit on girls, its better than t.v. You can interact with the people.

Here I was empty cup and all needing a refill. Bar one too many people I refuse to wait, Upstairs bar fewer people. (Also note I can't be standing alone either, there are enough guys standing around the outskirts of any bar looking at women but never actually doing anything.) Cute group of girls right in front of me, older women too boot.

Me: "How long you you ladies been waiting for drink?"

Lady 1: "ohh about 2 minutes."

Me: "2 minutes, that redamndiculious don't you girls know how to work a bar and get drinks faster?"

Lady 2: "We have patience"

Me: "Patience my dear, will not get you looking any better, nor me any more intoxicated"

I grab 2 of the girls hands and lead them down the stairs to another bar. The bartender there knew me and I had been talking with her some of the night too and I could get speedy service. The problem was There was also a guy "Joe" down at that bar i was also talking to earlier.

Joe is about the same age as these girls I'm guess 35- 38 range. Apparently because I had some girls this was his cue to come over and stand next to me. He was a lifesaver, I wasn't paying for their drinks. I introduce Joe to the 3 ladies. Drinks are coming. Just as I turn to jump back into the conversation I hear this exchange.

Joe: "You look like a cat."

Lady 1: "I don't like cats."

Me: "BWAHAHAHAHA!"

I had to leave, A. I got my drink, and B. I was pretty much done with that group after that comment. No matter what would have been said or done would fail into comparison as to calling a girl a cat, and having her respond ever so seriously to not liking them.

Truer words never spoken

"Most men are afraid of women wearing the pants in their relationship. Me, I have no problem with pants. I'm more concerned if she starts wearing a strap on."

Lust or Love?

Is it every really easy to say goodbye? Does it matter who you are saying goodbye to? Or for how long it is for? What if it is forever? Why do those people insist on coming back?

I believe in a lot of things, as well as don’t believe in a lot of things. I believe in a God, I believe that as long as there is a human will then there will never be a successful communist society, I believe many people find where they live to be unsatisfactory until they move somewhere else and end up missing where they once were, I believe that running from your problems will only cause the problems to get worse.

I don’t believe in love. I believe love as a state of emotion which can often blind people and eventually will lead to their own demise because they fail to see the truth. I believe love is just temporary happiness in some object or person. There are a lot of things or people I could say I love, but do I really? When is love truly love and when is it just infatuation and lust?

Many people I know say they’ve been in love, but how would they know? I mean, how would they truly know that they are experiencing love? Is there a handbook on what it is to feel like when you are in love? I can honestly say, and I don’t mean this in a bad or perverted way (freaks), that the only person(s) I truly love and would give my life for is my family. they are the only people in my life that, even through hardships, has helped me grow as a person and only made me stronger.

If love is such a strong and true emotion, how come it can be so easily replaced with something else? How come, for a lot of people, it can be so controllable? Maybe people just like the idea of being in love, instead of liking the true idea of love itself. Love is many things, but I believe it is true that if you are in love then there should be no room for mistrust, dishonesty, cheating, lying, etc. How come many married couples, who proclaim their "love" for one other, end up doing this?

Perhaps love is just overused. Many people try to rush to be in love, but don’t realize that isn’t the one, yet ignore the warning signs. I’ve used the word "love" once with someone that isn’t somehow related to me. I feel people use the word to loosly in an attempt to perhaps get someone to feel the same, but you can’t force this feeling. If it is forced, then it will only disappear.And when is lust and love confused? Way too much. Often times people first meet by finding the other person attractive in some way, shape, or form. This is infatuation. Then a sexual desire builds for this person to the point you would do anything to get with or be with them. This is lust. So what is love? The feeling that you would give your life to save theirs? Well, we can see that turned out well for Romeo and Juliet, and they knew each other for a matter of days.

So what about when that love is betrayed? What do you do then? Forgive and forget? Everyone knows no one truly forgets, it’ll always be in the back of the mind and someday the person might say or do something that triggers that feeling of betrayal to come back and cause them to snap.

What if it is a good friend? One you truly trusted with some of your most personal secrets? And one you were always there for through thick and thin when they’d cry about how crappy their life is? What do you do when they betray you and bury a new knife into your back, then twist it to add emphasis?I don’t know either.

I hope someone can prove me wrong.

Random thoughts

Have you ever just wanted to make an invisible box, and place a mime inside of it, just to watch him try to get out?

"As much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combines really pisses me off"

If you want to get your teeth kicked in and will be present in Utah on Aug. 30 go to the CLIFTON show. You can thank me thereand as a bonus, I will let you buy me a drink. (i'm as giddy as an asian girl in a hello kitty store for this one folks)

no money, no problem

Lets preface this by saying "yes I am pretty much an asshole" its well documented, and i really do not deny it, it's like a badge of honor.

I was at the bar this weekend, doing my usual thing of no drink talking to girls, and guys. this was one of the conversations I had with a blonde girl with way too much make-up on.

Me: "So did Avon paint your face or is that Mary Kay?"

Blonde: slightly annoyed "Its mac!"

me: "well you are borderline rodeo clown, i'd recomend taking it down a notch"

blonde: really annoyed look of disbelief on her face, awkward silence for what seems like 5 mins "ASSHOLE"

me: You know if you bought me a drink i bet I could easily mistake the shimmery eye shadow for a slight twinkle in your eyes.

blonde: smiles "ha, your funny, what are you drinking?"

thank god she bought me a drink, I was thirsty!


aaaannnnddd in unrelated news:
life is like a porno movie. no matter who you meet they're going to screw you.

Soooo... I decided I'm going to try to gain weight again.

Lets hope this time i don't gain 50lbs get sick and lose it in 2 week.

who loses close to 50lbs in a week, well me of course, I blame it on the flu.

Or if I do lose all the weight again, lets hope i can make a journal about it bottle it up and market that, I'm sure people would love to know my weight loss secret.

Since i wanted to see if anyone else eats about the same calories as me, and wouldn't you know it there are people who also eat around about 6,000 calories a day.

Problem is these people are Olympic weigh lifters, strong men competitors, and them professional body builders.

Me on the other hand am a ninja
No wait I'm a Spartan
wait...

I'm the only Spartan ninja!

maybe ill use to here blog to post some updates on it to help keep me motivated, but i am pretty lazy soo... its a big if.

on a scale of 1 to 10 im an Eleven!

I have been watching guys fail, and fail, and fail again, at trying to hit on women. I have decided to throw them a bone here. I have 11 guidlines to follow when trying to get a woman interested in me.

1. Don't wait until she is alone to go talk to her. Her friends will always drag her away no matter how much she likes you.

2. You have 3 seconds to make you initial approach. any longer than that you will seem creepy for staring at her, or you will talk yourself out of it.

3. Just because there are men does not mean they are her boyfriend.

4. Using "excuse me," "I'm sorry," or any other apologizing phrase makes you sound like a beggar.

5. Don't use the same generic compliment, chances are she has heard it, and is really quite bored with it. Open more with something that will spark conversation, and also can be used if a group is around her. People do have opinions and amazingly, enough they love giving them.

6. Don't buy her a drink, you shouldn't have to pay for her attention

7. Don't touch or grab right away, if she touches you pull back a little make HER work for it.

8. Don't lean over her, stand up straight. If she cannot hear you speak up, make her lean into you.

9. Don't rattle off the same questions: "what's your name?" "what do you do for a living?" boring every other guy has asked her these, your not every other guy.

10. If she is in a group, focus more on her friends for the first 5 - 10 minutes, if you win over her friends, you will win her.

11. Don't be afraid to violate any of these guidelines, once you understand them and why they exist.

Geomotry

Its always difficult to know where exactly to start. When drawing i know everything is a shape with more shapes around it, so you start with the biggest shapes. I recently started sketching again. I looked over my old sketchbook, and found all the drawing of when i was going through a divorce. I guess this was a starting point seeing as how it was where i left off.

Back then it was my journal, my emotions ran like a pendulum, my way of expressing.

I would sketch what i felt, wilted rose with petals all on the floor one petal hanging on still. things like this gave hope, but also you could see not much. I would draw beautiful scenes, pictures and hours later go back and run red sharpies through things. Looking at the book i relived almost every conversation, every meeting, every feeling, every emotion.

Guess true art come from heartbreak

I had to stop, it was my outlet, but needed an outlet from my outlet. Escape was a paradox. I had passion, love, hate, anger and everything, but could not separate between the person i was drawing about. I did not want to grow to hate art also.

A year later, I have new paper, new pencils, new red sharpies, and new shapes. Perhaps this time around the heart shaped pieces will be complete.

Music is the wine that fills up the my cup

of silence!

does size matter?

When I go out on the weekends i usually always get the question, "your tall, how tall are you?" from women. its a simple get to know you banter type question and could place many new threads along with it. Also everyone who ever meets me, or i meet always always asks it. women are so predictable.

do to the predictable nature of people, I try to come up with ways to joke with people when asking mundane boring question. (note to girls: if you hate guys asking the same interview type questions on dates or whenever, try not to do the same.)


Her: how tall are you?

Me: I'm 9'4" although most men over estimate size not that it matters...


ill usually deflect her onto another subject at this point. I'm pretty good at that I'm told.

"Just like the lady in a blue dress,

You've got cigarettes on your breath.

Hair spray and some cheap perfume.

I'll put a little sour in your sweet,

You've got so much fucking tongue in cheek.

You want what you could never have.

You say that you want respect

Well then you better get some for yourself.

'Cause all that I see right now,

Is someone who's lost and insecure.

So you say that I am rated X,

You suffer from the lack of sex.

Black heart and your lipstick smeared.

Your points are trite and I'm too sober

To deal with you running over

Your same pathetic cliche lines."

senses fail

shhhh!

I think its about time i gave a tip for the fellas out there on how to pick up on a female. not just any female, no sir. a fine female who happens to be at a library, or any other venue where words must be kept to a minimum.

The keys to pulling this off is to be bold, and confident

you need to get her attention for a brief moment, flash her a smile. if she flashes one back, touches her hair, or any other preening gesture, your in there. All you have to do is act.

If nothing, better luck next time "nova."

Got her attention, she knows your there, sexual tension in the air! (probably not but hey, we all want a hot librarian from time to time) now your move: pull out a piece of paper draw yourself a tic tac toe game, write loser buys coffee, drop it off at where ever she is and sit. ballsy i know but she will giggle or think your a complete jerk, but at least you know where she stands.

Now of course this alone will not get her on a date with you. I even bet if you do get her number she flakes because that's what women do, but that's another day and time. ciao!

Lately I have been asked "what type of music do you listen to?" okay so i get it almost daily, and since i really do not have a definitive style or type of music i put the trusty ipod on shuffle and here are the first five songs in a random order of course.

"Quicksand" by 8mm
This is quite possibly my favorite band at the moment, they are good to listen to no matter what mood your in.

"Bang bang (my baby shot me down) by Nancy Sinatra
Its simple and always makes me want to watch Kill Bill.

"Over Now" by Day Two
Love this band, but they are no longer, They have a melodic screaming way about them, if you want more they go by Mutton Hollow now, but have changed singers.

"November Rain" if you don't know who this is by then you can leave now.
I think this song speaks for its self, don't you?

"Honey, this mirror ain't big enough for the two of us" by My Chemical Romance
This was off their first album, just the title of the song strikes a cord with me but with lyrics like;
"well you can try all you want
I don't care how much (screaming)
you invest yourself in me
were not working out"
Took the words right out of my mouth.

as a bonus #6

"Alfie" by Lily Allen
Her songs are just happy bouncy little numbers, cheer you up no matter what mood your in.

attraction

"Be the flame not the moth"

This is our little secret

You can try to fix my broken wings
You can know all the words to the songs I sing
But you don't need to know what's wrong with me
Unless you think you gonna come home with me

Blah!

Lately I have just been bored with everything. I just get the feeling that everything is happening in slow motion. perhaps i need to challenge myself more. Maybe i should slow down to the pace of everything else. the best way to describe this feeling is that scene in Spiderman, where the guy is trying to punch him, and he dodges him but is looking around. If you don't know the scene feel free to watch it to help you understand.

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

How did you handle it?