Dear crack fiend,

I really do appreciate you coming up to me and informing me of the countries current economic crisis. Your wisdom is beyond your appearance, for that I apologize, you know, for passing judgement on you. I have not heard anything of this crisis until you so eloquently as only you could explain it to me. cause you see I have not seen a TV in months, and have no access to Internet, newspaper, or news radio either. Trust me when I go to vote I will have your best interest in mind.

The thing is, and I don't mean to be rude, but if I were to be seeking financial advice. Like you gave me. I would like it to come from someone who has a tad bit more to lose than a shopping cart full of aluminum cans.

thank you


*note: I know not all aluminum cans get pushed around by crack fiends in their shopping carts but these ones were guilty by association*

Conversations

I would like to have a conversation with a box of Oreo's. They have to have interesting things to say about race relations, and possibly have a few interesting things to say about Oprah Winfrey. Actually I think a box of Oreo's should be a guest on Oprah's show. But she would need to wear one of those Hanibal Lecter masks cause i'm sure she would eat them.

If I had a red swingline this would not happen

This was a conversation that occured about an hour after I had a history lesson from and african american.

Me: "Stupid ass stapler" slamming it down trying to get it to staple

African American: "uhuh! It don't work because it's a white stapler"

Me: "then can you go find me a black stapler"

Where do you work?

Blonde: So um... what do you do for a living?

Me: Oh me, I'm the price checker for the dollar store.

Blonde: No way. Do you get a discount on stuff?

Booster?

I was getting a fruit smootie, those things are good I tell you what.

Order Girl: "Do you want a free booster?"

Me: "Yep."

Order girl: "Which one, we have prot..."

Me: "Vodka!"

Order girl: "We don't have that."

Me: "Don't worry I brought my own, can you put it in before you mix it up? I hate it when the booze is just sitting all on the top, and i'm lazy and don't want to stir it up."

Order girl: with a look of confusion, "I dont think I can do that"

Me: "Oh! then I'll be fine without, but do you have a complaint card so I can request decent boosters?"

Typical weekend

I enjoy just going to bars and watching guys hit on girls, its better than t.v. You can interact with the people.

Here I was empty cup and all needing a refill. Bar one too many people I refuse to wait, Upstairs bar fewer people. (Also note I can't be standing alone either, there are enough guys standing around the outskirts of any bar looking at women but never actually doing anything.) Cute group of girls right in front of me, older women too boot.

Me: "How long you you ladies been waiting for drink?"

Lady 1: "ohh about 2 minutes."

Me: "2 minutes, that redamndiculious don't you girls know how to work a bar and get drinks faster?"

Lady 2: "We have patience"

Me: "Patience my dear, will not get you looking any better, nor me any more intoxicated"

I grab 2 of the girls hands and lead them down the stairs to another bar. The bartender there knew me and I had been talking with her some of the night too and I could get speedy service. The problem was There was also a guy "Joe" down at that bar i was also talking to earlier.

Joe is about the same age as these girls I'm guess 35- 38 range. Apparently because I had some girls this was his cue to come over and stand next to me. He was a lifesaver, I wasn't paying for their drinks. I introduce Joe to the 3 ladies. Drinks are coming. Just as I turn to jump back into the conversation I hear this exchange.

Joe: "You look like a cat."

Lady 1: "I don't like cats."

Me: "BWAHAHAHAHA!"

I had to leave, A. I got my drink, and B. I was pretty much done with that group after that comment. No matter what would have been said or done would fail into comparison as to calling a girl a cat, and having her respond ever so seriously to not liking them.