Friends

They say that "diamonds are a girls best friend" and that "mans best friend is a dog."

I think they are wrong!

My best friend quickly turned into the guy whose selling stolen jewelry on the corner.

If mans best friend really is a dog and a woman asked me to marry her i would expect her to give me a dog that cost 3 months salary upon her proposal.

And please don't try and deceive me by giving me a cubic zirconia dog. I only want the real thing!

gift exchange

With Christmas about a week away I'm already imagining my conversation with the sales clerks as I try to return presents this year.

Me: "Hello, I'd like to return this" hands them crappy gift

Sales clerk: "Okay we will need to do an exchange is thei..."

Me: "Great! I would like to exchange it for money"

Envy

I was watching this squirrel climb a tree at the park this weekend. It's a really tall tree and the squirrel climbed all the way to the top and then turned around and climbed back down like it was nothing.

I envied the little bastard.

He was able to do that no problem. I started thinking some more. This is when I saw a squirrel crossing the street.

This is when I decided that squirrels probably envy me.

It's not too often that I decide to run across the street, stop in the middle, run back and then try to run across again.

Friday nights being the exception.

Nature

This guy started complaining about the weather and the sudden changes. how he was not happy with the snow one day then the sun and warm weather the next.

He then started talking about "How it's human nature to never be happy."

Me: "I think that it's human nature to eat, drink, shit, piss and fuck. complaining that it's either too hot or too cold is just the nature of a whiny asshole."

I don't think I will have to worry about talking with him anymore.

Snow

As the snow was covering my front yard with well snow. I thought you know if I don't shovel snow this year off the driveway it will turn to ice. I can tell people "I'm going for the glacier look." Which would be nice in the occasion a polar bear wanders the neighborhood.

Dear crack fiend,

I really do appreciate you coming up to me and informing me of the countries current economic crisis. Your wisdom is beyond your appearance, for that I apologize, you know, for passing judgement on you. I have not heard anything of this crisis until you so eloquently as only you could explain it to me. cause you see I have not seen a TV in months, and have no access to Internet, newspaper, or news radio either. Trust me when I go to vote I will have your best interest in mind.

The thing is, and I don't mean to be rude, but if I were to be seeking financial advice. Like you gave me. I would like it to come from someone who has a tad bit more to lose than a shopping cart full of aluminum cans.

thank you


*note: I know not all aluminum cans get pushed around by crack fiends in their shopping carts but these ones were guilty by association*

Conversations

I would like to have a conversation with a box of Oreo's. They have to have interesting things to say about race relations, and possibly have a few interesting things to say about Oprah Winfrey. Actually I think a box of Oreo's should be a guest on Oprah's show. But she would need to wear one of those Hanibal Lecter masks cause i'm sure she would eat them.